Miscellaneous Thoughts (1)
I have no grand philosophical thought this week. Just some random ideas bubbling up in the shower or away from keyboard.
1
I think I have had a lucky life so far. It's just somehow I keep forgetting that and needs to remind myself over and over again.
I have enough money to afford rent (moving to a better house and area with the same rent even) and food, and some small luxury every day if I want to. My parents also have enough money, and do not have any chronic disease that will slowly bleed out our financial reserve (not yet). I myself don't have any health conditions. My knee ligament tear healed itself while I did not looking (and I could afford airplane tickets to home and 2 MRI scans). I have never faced any life or death situation. I have never been bullied. I have never been denied anything substantial because of my race, age, or gender. I don't have a shitty boss. My job is meaningful and intellectually stimulating. I can work from home for 2 days, and even more if necessary. I have never been without income for a long period of time. Over the years in Singapre I only had to sleep for 2 nights without air-conditioning (yes, they were 2 miserable nights where my insomnia came in full-swing and I never want to experience that again). Despite my strange personality, I have been helped by so many people. I finally have a best friend and people I can talk to.
And yet, when I am alone, tired and hurt from the pressure of staying alive, all I can think about is what's missing. The discomfort in life, and the untapped potential. I wish that I can be more content with the present, but also live life more fully. Go out, do crazy things I want to do (mostly crazy things I want to learn). But never forget to revel in the present.
2
I was struggling to change, so I try to understand why it's so hard. I got to belive that the problem is internal. Face with a problem, we don't just take any action, but one consistent with our belief. Trouble is, sometimes our belief is the lesson from a problem that does not apply here, but it was so painful that we can't stop seeing it everywhere. That was also the force behind people's problem to understand each other. "What have you experienced that I haven’t that makes you believe what you do? And would I think about the world like you do if I experienced what you have?", as Morgan Housel said.
Pain is an ancient learning mechanism that enabled our survival and thrive as a species. But sometimes clutching our pain so tightly is not useful. We can become rigid and try to solve the wrong problem - what we think the problem is instead of the real problem. Worse, the pain may take over our identity. We become defined as a stereotype and start taking action to conform to the identity, though we may hate it.
Based on what I wrote, I can only take myself as the example. There are things I do "just to stay in". Like making inside jokes at someone because everyone else is doing it. Playing a game long past last enjoyment date because everyone else in the group is playing it. Believing that I no one will understand such a weird person like me and effort at romance is futile. Harboring a deep hatred for certain community because it reminded me of a dark time I am still running away from.
I think this rigidity is universal, except for a few who has learnt to see the present as it really is instead of how it resembles our impression of a bygone past situation. It is the problem we must dig into if one wants to become able to "just change" (i.e., assuming a new identity) and resolve conflict with people (i.e., being able to glimpse what people are really seeing and seeking).
3
I don't have anything interesting yet to make the magical 3. So here's a song from my fav befitting the thought: 铁花飞 (Tie Hua Fei, or Iron Sparkles Flowers) from Mili.
As I'm finally on the receiving side of misfortune
I can see your reasons
And your clingy demons
Like a rotten mandarin
Inside, we had good intentions
I may be still unripened
But I'm not afraid
Have a good day.